As I Want to Remember It – a book review

AS I WANT TO REMEMBER IT by B.A. O’Connell

Author’s Note: This review is written by tommy wyatt blake

Book Content Warnings: domestic violence/abuse, hospitalization, dissociation, intersystem conflict, fantastical violence

“[T]his is a story written based on how I want to remember it,” is one of the first sentences in As I Want To Remember It by B.A. O’Connell. This experimental literary thriller explores abusive and toxic relationships, mechanisms of inner-system modes of existence, and the navigation of the industrial hospitalization complex as a system. As stated by O’Connell, the book “follows a fractured system conquering emotional and traumatic events in their lives using fantasy imagery for imagination and metaphor”. It reminds me of everything I wanted from Suckerpunch (2011)–a story where trauma trumps persons, instead of the other way around.

As a reader, we are privy to Aileen and Jo struggling to be co-conscious with each other. How they collaborate with other alters to muster strength necessary to leave the system’s abusive partners (both past and present). How Aileen, Jo, or any other alters are not to blame for their abusers’ actions, and how accepting that is not easy or simple (O’Connell 60). All of this is illustrated by an ornate, ever-expanding headspace and nightmarish visions of falling Alice-in-Wonderland style through layers of memories within itself. A good portion of this book details how difficult tense situations, conversations, and feelings can be in the headspace with differing perspectives and experiences.

As an alter in a system, I found a lot that resonated, particularly how dissociation is described physically and visually. Early in the book, O’Connell describes physical manifestations of dissociation: “Your tongue feels oversized at first, like you’ve been drinking Novocain or Lidocaine. […] You look up at the ceiling which started as ripples that slowly formed a solid object, as if it was forced from a slow dripping and freezing ice cube” (7). Dissociation can be that disorienting; it can feel like wriggling out of skin and trying to swim in air. It’s like sedation, really, when you exist in a distorted version of reality you’d expect in poetry about moon-bathed pool water. 

Another way we tend to regard dissociation is in the description of the visual snow effect, or static itself, and how it oscillates on a tv screen. O’Connell references a similar phenomenon: “The static begins, the world turns to ripples and you are gone” (18). This is in reference to what it feels like, in the body itself and visually, when dissociation intensifies to the point a change in the system occurs, such as losing touch with an alter you’re co-conscious with or as a switch.

Besides dissociation, the book touches on system roles. David is an alter who is introduced as scaring Nat, Aileen’s childhood friend. In his letter to Jo, he writes about self-destructive tendencies, tying together how “he feels the need to solve conflicts through intimidation and fear” (O’Connell 21). This sounds like a possible trauma response, in which David believes that is the only way to properly seek safety. It also sounds like a way to stay as isolated as possible: “Out of all of us alters, David is probably the loneliest of all” (O’Connell 22).

When Aileen recovers a memory held by David, we learn that he’s considered to be the first protector. It brings up a conversation of the system role of protector can shift to, in time, a persecutor role. However, a bit more than midway through the book, Aileen realizes: “I want to say to everyone in the system–I accept you. […] I’m done suppressing identities and forcing alters to live according to arbitrary rules and regulations that do not apply to the people they are” (O’Connell 63). Here, Aileen acknowledges that she held onto interpretations and expectations that reduced alters to their roles, or to specific purposes. This shift in understanding equips Aileen with the tools necessary to rebuild relationships within the system, which is an important step for everyone to work together to navigate through their trauma.

Seeking safety is paramount in As I Want To Remember It, and the system, as a collective “We”, renders the ability to survive (again). The way O’Connell combines fantastical elements and frank explanations of system inner workings makes this book an engaging read, especially for another alter who has recognized themself and other alters in the text. I highly recommend this book, especially for other systems.